Merry Happy

So like,

it's Christmas, and those Monkeys have stuck me in a cage at a boarding facility with nothing but my shearling mouse and my skeepskin (yes, it's real) bed for company... so I've got plenty of time to think about how unfair the world is, and how mad I am at those monkeys...
But actually?
I'm not even mad right now. Maybe it's because I've had so much time to think (which I don't usually even do), but I'm just feeling grateful for all the good things I've got going on. Last year at this time (don't tell anyone!) I was on the streets (or in a shelter, I don't remember which) where all the other kitties made fun of me for my weird paws.
But now?
My unique qualities have been recognized and appreciated! I have everything I want, and I'm warm and dry and well-fed. I've got a car, and jewelry, and shoes and handbags and I get gourmet meals and my agent says I'll have a record deal soon. So, even if I'm at "kitty spa" for Christmas?
Life could be worse.
I just don't know how those monkeys can stand to spend this special day without me!

But for now, for Christmas, I wanna share a carol I really like. I know it's actually sung by field mice - and I'd usually rather eat them than listen to them - but in the spirit of Christmas I'd welcome them to sit next to me at the table of brotherhood... rather than, you know, in front of me at the table of gratin des souriceaux.

The Carol of the Field Mice:

Villagers all this frosty tide
Let your doors be open wide
Though wind may follow, and snow beside
Yet draw us in by your fire to bide
Joy shall be yours in the morning!

Here we stand in the cold and the sleet
Blowing fingers and stamping our feet
We come from far away you to greet
You by the fire and we in the street
Bidding you joy in the morning!

For ere one half of the night was gone
Sudden a star has led us on
Raining bliss and benison
Bliss tomorrow and more anon
Joy for every morning!

Goodman Joseph toiled through the snow
Saw the star oe’r stable low
Mary she might not further go
Welcome thatch and litter below
Joy was hers in the morning!

And they heard the angels tell
Who were the first to cry Nowell?
Animals all, as it befell
In the stable where they did dwell
Joy shall be theirs in the morning!



Merry Christmas!

Technical Difficulties, my paw!

So like,

I know that my absence from the internet has been tough on y'all. Well, it's been tough on me, too! And I just have to let you know, it's totally not my fault - if you couldn't figure that out on your own.

It's those darn monkeys.

They say they lost part of the camera, so that they can't put my pictures online. And I mean, seriously, like, what is the point of me writing for y'all if you can't look at my beautiful pictures?

So, I've been in this internet limbo, no pictures and no posts, for over a month now!

Well, I'm just not gonna put up with it anymore.

First I thought I'd just take a monkey's credit card and buy myself a camera... but then I realized that it wouldn't work without the monkeys taking pictures for me. I mean, like, of course I could take fantastic pictures, but if I'm not in them, who cares?

So now, I've decided that I'm just going to start posting OLD pictures until the camera gets fixed. I know y'all wont' mind - even though I'm actually more beautiful now (I just can't help it!), I was still plenty beautiful then.

And, you know, don't worry about me running out of old pictures anytime soon. I have, like, hundreds of them in my archives, and they're all totally beautiful, because they're all of me.

So, that's the plan for now and I know y'all won't mind...
but as for me?
I'm still seriously displeased!



(This picture is from a different time when the monkeys made me mad. Turns out, they do it ALL THE TIME!)

Very Suspicious...

So like,

Thank goodness THAT is over! Now that the election is finished, people can pay attention to important things - namely, ME.
And right now,
I think I NEED HELP!

Those Monkeys are at it again... they are gutting this place, taking out EVERYthing - even my cat toys and my litter box!
Now, cats don't have much memory, but I KNOW that the last time this kind of thing happened, I was forced to spend many days in an oh-so-unfashionable CAR... driving through the middle of nowhere and leaving my beautiful New Orleans far behind.
Could it be happening again?
Now that I have finally become happily accustomed to the Carmel lifestyle - now that I know where all the good stores and restaurants are; now that I have formed a relationship with a good hairstylist - would those bad Monkeys DARE to take me somewhere new...?
Would they?!



I wouldn't put it past them...

Oh yeah...

So like,

I noticed this comment the other day:

>Dear Talley,
>I keep hearing some older monkeys discussing "bar results." Are >they talking about the aftermath of a trip to the Napoleon House? >Please explain.

Well, I can explain that. Like, over a week ago, the WSBA announced the results of this year's bar examination. Both monkeys passed! This means they took a difficult test, and they passed, and now they can (finally!) get a job. SO, they're all, like, happy and celebrating and that kind of thing.

But personally, I don't think it's such a big deal, since I've already talked about the fact that they would pass on their first try. After all, I was the one who always helped them study! So, how could they fail?



All I can say is, I told ya so.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

So like,

It's been a long time and all. Actually, I stopped blogging much because, like, the only thing anybody's taking about these days is the election. And, you know, I can't even vote. So, I don't have much to say these days.

And, you know, maybe that's paying off! Because, check out this email I got:

>Talley, you are such a good cat! Please continue being so well behaved.

I know, right?! That email is 100% authentic! I'm like, TOTALLY SUCH a good cat!



Politics aside, that's something we can all agree on!

Missing monkey

So like one of the monkeys has been out of town for the last week -- where'd she go?

I miss her.

First day of autumn

So, like...

Just, don't ask about the Saints, because I'm don't EVEN want to talk about it.

Meow.

But, anyways! Today is the first day of Autumn! Already!

This is a big deal, because it's my very first autumn ever ... err, kind of ... that is ... my grandma always said that a lady never tells her real age. So, you know what I mean.

Anyways, I stopped wearing white ages ago (and I hope you did, too); but apart from that, fall doesn't mean too much to me. I don't have to go to school, or anything like that - and in New Orleans (as well as California) the weather doesn't change all that much.

I guess I'll start planning my Halloween costume - I think I'll be a princess, or maybe a cheerleader. In the meantime, I've just got to say I'm surprised... maybe even a little sad.
I mean...



Where did the summer go?!

A lovely day for a lovely lady!

So like...



Take it easy, A. C. B.!
Meow!

mewwwwhoooo...

So like,

The Saints lost.
I couldn't even watch the game because they don't show it in California.



...

lost.

Lipstick

So like,

today I found out something totally disturbing...
Some people don't wear lipstick!

I heard it watching TV today. The news guys were talking about putting lipstick on pigs. Well, if you have to PUT the lipstick on the pig? It means the pig isn't already wearing lipstick!

I say, put lipstick on ALL the pigs! It's disgusting to think of them running around without makeup. Seriously! I guess that's why they call them pigs.

Personally, I wear lipstick whenever I wear eyeshadow - that is, all the time! Even when I'm sleeping, because you never KNOW when the paparazzi are going to come by...

I choose a nice, pale gold shade to compliment my natural tones. You know, subtle. Do you like it?



It accentuates my alluring smile.

WHOOOOOOO DAT?!

So like,

Today was the first game of the season, and the Saints WON!
Twenty-four to twenty, meow! Drew Brees threw three touchdowns!
Against the Buccaneers, who TOTALLY had it coming to them after last season. Well, too bad for them they LOOOST!
The Saints WOOOOONNNNNN!
YEAAAAHHHH!



AWWWWWWWRIGHT!

Happy Happy Happy

So like,

Happy Birthday Miss A. G. B. G.!!!

You know why this is coming a little late...
Thank heaven things weren't worse than they were.
I hope you'll be able to get back to New Orleans soon and have a great, big birthday party!
In the meantime, I'm havin' a party for you here all by myself...



... but can you send me a Sazerac?

NOLA

Because of the way the air feels at ninety degrees and ninety percent humidity -
Because a hard rain's gonna fall.
Because of Tabasco sauce on everything.
Because there's something new to see, everytime you look.
Because of the best po-boys in the world.
Because of sitting on the 'fly and watching the barges go by.
Because of long walks with large daquiris on hot days.
Because of the stink of the Quarter on a Tuesday in the spring.
Because of WWOZ.
Because of sunlight through the leaves of live oaks.
Because angels play their horns in the bars on Saturday nights.
Because of the devil at the crossroads.
Because of the cemetery outside my old front door.
Because of Abita brews.
Because fleurs-de-lis mean something.
Because the Saints might win this time.
Because we rebuilt after the last one.
Because injustice can't last forever.
Because of friends we'll never forget.

Because of something broken and beautiful.

We're still with you, New Orleans.

We never really left.

All my friends back in Louisiana...

So like,



Get the heck out of there!

Of course, I'm too young to remember Katrina, but I am so very sad to see my hometown threatened again...
So y'all just let me and the Monkeys know what we can do to help.
We're with you in spirit!

Special Announcement

So like,

I really wanted Pawlenty to be McCain's VP choice, because I liked his paws. But, I'm happy with McCain's choice of Palin, too. She has waaaay better hair and better clothes than Hillary Clinton. Plus, she lets her husband take care of the kids while she vies for power - rather than riding her husband's coattails to the White House (or anywhere else).
But mostly, I like her record on beauty. She was a beauty queen, and it totally still shows. If I could vote, I think I would probably take the ticket with the beauty queen over the ticket with the stylish man, since the stylish man is already married anyways.

But anyways, if McCain and Palin win, that means Palin's spot as Miss Congeniality will become vacant. And, like, I am TOTALLY up for that job! So I'm just, you know, pre-emptively announcing my candidacy for Beauty Queen.

Right Now!

So, I hope you'll vote for me...



...I have a lifetime of experience being beautiful.

Meow-bama!

So like,

Ooops! I forgot my blog!

Actually, I was so busy with the Concours (I'll put up some pictures later), and then I was off on a cruise for a while, and I had to go to the spa, and get pet-icures on all 22 claws, and visit the duty-free shop, and all that, and I just got soooo tired. But now I am all, totally, energized.

You know why, right?

It's, like, Barack Obama! Did everyone see his speech tonight? He is just so good-looking. Fashionable and well-spoken, too. But I especially like his ears... meow! And his wife looks so fantastic in her ensembles from Maria Pinto... I don't get this thing about being black, though. I mean, black, white, whatever: all monkeys look the same to me.

Though I'm inclined to think Mr. Obama the more catlike of the two candidates: he dresses well and avoids giving straight answers. He's idealistic and, well, not dogged. He has great, big, incredible dreams: his reach exceeds his grasp. Plus, leading the Democratic party must be like herding a bunch of cats...
Although Mr. McCain is pretty feline, as well: he clearly has nine lives. He enjoys a lifestyle he couldn't afford on his own. He masks his pain. His wife's appearance does not change with age. And he vowed to chase his enemies to the gates of Hell - personally, I have chased many a mouse to the same location. And it is well known that cats, everywhere and always, are conservative.

Anyways, so, the real question tonight is: How does Obama's agenda affect the cat population?
And the answer? Well, it doesn't. At least, not as far as I can tell. Mr. Obama did not actually mention cats even once!
So, Mr. Obama, in your next public address, I hope you will talk about the following:

* Universal Cat Treats
* The War on Dogs
* Increased Investment in Comfy Places to Snooze
* Curtailment of the Use of Vacuum Cleaners
* Compulsory Cat Care Education
* Medicinal Catnip

But especially?

Cat suffrage! I mean, don't even talk about dogs - not that it would matter, since dogs are just too dumb to vote, even if they had the legal right to do so. But just think how many millions of kitties would reciprocate your regard, if you promoted feline voting rights. Cats would flow in from all corners of the globe, to the promise of a voice in the American government. And think of what you could promise the American People in return: Fewer mouses in our houses! Fewer rats on the streets! Fewer irritating songbirds waking the American People from their well-deserved slumbers after hard days' work. More cuteness. More furriness. More purrs and more pets. And increased cat food consumption, which would be a huge spur to the domestic economy.

Think it over, Mr. Obama.



I know you'll see things my way.

Olympics, schmolympics.

So like,

Speaking of sports, right? Today was the start of the Olympics, and I just have to say, what's the point? I mean, so, these monkeys on TV can do flips. Well, a cat will do flips, but only if there's a bird or mouse or something tasty like that involved.
The monkeys on TV run fast. Who cares? A cat will run fast - or even speedwalk - if it's catfood time!
The TV monkeys swim. Seriously. Like, who wants to swim? I prefer to get my fish dinners at a restaurant, thanks.
The olympic monkeys do team sports. I don't EVEN understand that one... have you ever seen a kitty on a team? A cat team? I don't think so. I REALLY don't think so.

So I mean, really, what's the point? AND! Did you see those outfits the US team was wearing? I'm sorry, but Ralph Lauren is so, like, 1980-whatever. White hats? Please. Did you ever see a cat wearing a white hat?

Anyways, since the TV Olympics are so lame, I've decided to have my own Olympics for the actually cool people who read my blog.

So, without further ado, tonight's event is Olympic Scratching:



Check out that form - that execution - that style!
Looks like I won the gold!

The Saints are coming!

So like,

I am soooo excited about the Saints this year! Did you see the preseason game tonight? Twenty-four to TEN, baby! They TOTALLY stomped the Cardinals. Drew Brees was just fabulous, meow, and it was great to see Robert Meachem looking healthy after last year. Plus, it totally looks like Reggie Bush is concentrating less on endorsements and more on actually playing football (although I don't really mind the endorsements, but I kinda wish he'd endorse something like Maserati or Tag Heuer, ya know?).

So, that'll be great, and I reeeally can't wait until the season begins!

I mean, what can I say? I sport their colors...



I'm a Who Cat!

The Cat Returns

So like,

Sorry it's been so long, and all...
but I mean, who needs monkeys, anyways?

So, after the monkeys abandoned me, I went to check out the MotoGP at Laguna Seca, and I met up with this hot Italian guy named Valentino. Meow! He is a big deal in Europe - so now I am, too. Here is a pic from our latest photoshoot - I am looking mysterious and alluring, but Valentino always looks like SUCH a goofball:



Anyways, Italy was fantastic and I can't wait to go back, especially since I got SO MANY cute shoes while I was there. I mean, Carmel is supposed to have good shopping, but it's just, like, WISHING it could be Milan, you know? But, anyways, I had to come back because I was already invited to a bunch of events at the Concours d'Elegance and that starts next week.
So, like, seeya there! Meow!

mewwwwwwwwwwl?

So like...

Those monkeys left yesterday, and they haven't come back!
They were saying something about "bar exam" when they left...
And now a different monkey is feeding me.
Did they get lost in the wilderness?
Did they get eaten by predators?
Now who will keep me warm at night?
Who will buy me presents?
Who will give me their credit card?!



Monkeys, where did you go?!

Editor's note: The monkeys are gone for the week to take the bar exam, while an alternate monkey takes very good care of Talley. Wish good luck to all!

65 and still fabulous

So like,


Par-tay like a California Monkey...
and take me with you!
Meow!

Irresistable

So like...

have you ever tried those little spongy protector things that go around i-pod earbuds? I mean, like, have you ever eaten one?
Personally, I find them completely irresistable.
Meow!

So, this morning I ate one off an i-pod that got left out on the table... then one of the monkeys caught me and put the earbuds away before I could eat the second one.

I was so mad! but, I got back at him...
This afternoon, he was listening to a lecture on his i-pod, I grabbed it from him and ate another earbud protector before he could even react! Yeah!

The monkeys totally couldn't believe I'd eaten it. They looked for the thing for a long time, while I just sat there, licking my lips.

When the finally figured out what had happened, they were so upset!
They think I'm crazy...



I think I'm just starved for attention.

Boooooored.

So like...

The monkeys are obsessed with studying now. They never leave...
never do anything fun...
never go away and give me a chance to sneak out or have a party at home...



This kitty is SO BORED!

Seriously Weird Monkeys...

So like...

these crazy monkeys!

They are jumping up and down and hooting and screeching...
apparently it's some kind of celebration for being done with their bar exam study lectures...

Bleh!



Wake me up when it's over!

Shoe Process

So like...

I've been starting on my own line of designer goods, and it's gonna be sooooo hot!

What I do is take an existing product that is ugly,
and then I fix it.
I use my unique sensitivity and special cat abilites...

Check it out!

Girl monkey brings home a brand new pair of shoes:



I see the aesthetic potential and embark on a creative journey:











When the creative journey is finished, I have transformed the shoes into a unique work of art --
Behold!



The detail... the texture...
this is truly a meowsterpiece!

Public Menace, for real.

So like...

I got attacked by a Dog yesterday...

after I sneaked out the open window.

Of course, I am waaay smarter than the dogs and I was never in any danger, because dogs can't climb trees! HAH!

U know what I say to U, DOGS!?

Those Bad Monkeys

So like,

I got this email last night:

> Dear Talleycat,
> M.E.O.W. My Exam Occurs, When?
> Thank goodness your monkeys are not stressing out
> over the bar which they will be taking in less than 3
> weeks. Love, Granny

I'm gonna sit down and write a serious answer.



Dear Granny,

I know, right?!

I mean, like, how are they going to keep buying me cars and designer handbags and jewelry and cat food and things like that, if they don't even pass the bar?

I mean, so, I'm totally on their case every day. I've got twenty-two claws and I am SO not afraid to use them...



or my numerous sharp teeth!

I wake the monkeys up early every single day to make sure they get a good start on studying (after giving me breakfast), and I pester them constantly to get them to work harder (and to give me cat treats).




So, you can be sure those bad monkeys are learning their stuff and will pass the bar on their first try!
But, it is all thanks to me,
your dutiful grand-cat,

-Talley

Independence Day

So like...
It's the Fourth of July...
And I think that's waaaay Fabulous.
I mean, so, have a happy Independence Day and all of that...



Just let me know when the fireworks are over.

Meow!

Due Process

So like...
that wasn't even fair.

I mean, you know, maybe I was kind of a bad kitty, but it is SO WRONG to let DOGS post on my blog...
It's cruel and unusual punishment!

Where are my rights, peoples?!?

Don't kitties get constitutional protections?

I didn't even get a trial or anything!

I am so, seriously mad right now...



I'm calling my lawyer.

Woof of Truth

Editor's note: Due to Talley's bad behavior (including sneaking out without permission and forgery of government documents (see previous posts)), her internet privileges have been revoked temporarily. In her absence, The Dogs will be filling in as guest contributors to her blog.


There's been a lot of talk these days about how cute, stylish, and appealing Cats are.

This is WRONG! Dogs rule, and cats drool (figuratively).

Dogs have waggily tails and soft, expressive eyes. Cats have lashy tails and harsh, mean eyes. Dogs say "I'm glad to see you!" while cats say, "My eating occurs WHEN?" Cats demand, while dogs ask nicely. Dogs guard your house from robbers, while cats tell the robbers "Go ahead and take that stuff - I never liked it anyways."

When you have guests over, your dogs will kindly greet them with polite sniffs and wags of the tail. Cats, on the other hand, will run away and hide from the guests if the guests like cats, and climb all over them shedding fur, if they do not.

Also, dogs are hygienic, and cats are disgusting in their sanitary habits. Dogs, for example, take baths with WATER when they get dirty. Cats, on the other hand, lick the dirt off WITH THEIR TONGUES! Even - shocking as it is - after going to the LITTER BOX. They use their tongues for toilet paper! And they consider themselves clean when they are covered in cat spit.

Have you ever tried to take a cat for a car ride? Rather than looking out the window and enjoying the wind in her face, the cat will hide in a corner and scream obscenities until you take her home. She will then hide under the bed and continue to yell obscenities at you until dinner. Dogs never use obscenities - we don't know any. Dogs always appreciate what is done for them. Cats never do.

If you throw a ball, or a frisbee, or a stick, a dog will run and fetch it for you. A cat will say, "get it yourself." A cat cannot be bothered to do anything for anyone, while a dog is always eager to please. A dog will eat anything you feed it, but a cat will turn her nose up at all but the most expensive cat food.

For a dog, the greatest treasure in life is a kind word from his master. A cat, however, thinks the master is lucky if she doesn't leave the room when he walks in. A dog will gratefully lick the hand that feeds it; a cat will scratch and bite it.

In short, Cats have no shame and no appreciation. Why people seem to like them as much as they do is beyond the understanding of Dogs. Cats don't like anybody, but Dogs are - and always will be - Man's Best Friend.




Woof!

Monterey Blues Part II: Crazy Monkeys.

So like...

I sneaked out the other day and I was driving around California in my Porsche, and, like, it wasn't too bad. Like, in New Orleans, you couldn't even drive anywhere because your car would fall into a pot hole, but in California they put the holes in grassy fields and mark them with flags on poles so you know where they are.

But then, right? This California Monkey comes up and starts talking to me, and he's all, like, "nice car, kitty. Wanna take me for a ride?"

California monkeys are especially scary because they're all, you know, suffering under delusions of hipness. Like, that shirt is not EVEN in style, because, like, it was NEVER in style.
EVER.

So don't EVEN touch my car, California Monkey.




I'm not taking you ANYWHERE.

Cat-urday

So like...
it's Saturday, peoples.



Take the night off!

Monterey Blues

So like...

sorry I didn't post all day, but I was busy doing my nails.
Anyways.

California is sooooo not New Orleans. I used to go down to the French Quarter or to the Boot or whatever and nobody ever, ever asked for ID. It's just, like, not even anything that anybody does in New Orleans. New Orleans is soooo cool like that.

But then, like, now we're in California, you know? And like, I have to sneak out just so that I can go to a club and, like, the club scene here is soooo lame and, anyways, they even make me show ID!

So, I had to get this fake ID just so that I could go to these lame clubs!
OMG!



Anyways, I have to get going now because the Monkeys are out and I wanna get to the club before they come back.
CYA!

Media Bias

So like...
did anyone else see this filthy piece of unmitigated propaganda masquerading as unbiased journalism?

http://www.instyle.com/instyle/package/general/photos/0,,20208546_20161676_20371508,00.html

If you didn't, then, just DON'T. It's, like, totally disgusting! All of these so-called celebrities (and not EVEN anybody cool) got their pictures taken with - it's sooooo grody - a bunch of DOGS.

Yeah, seriously. Even though the thing is titled "Cute Pets and their Owners" -- but all they show are Dogs.

Yeah, I know, right?

So what does that mean?
Cats aren't pets?
Cats aren't cute?
Cats aren't in style?

Nooooooo...
It means that there's a media conspiracy to promote dogs over cats, obvy.

Well, I, for one, am sooooo totally not gonna stand for it!



It's an outrage!

Polydactly

So like...

Sometimes people tell me, Talley, you are soooo IN right now. How do you do it?

And I'm all like, well, I'm just hot, and I'm polydactyl, so there.

And then they're like, what's polydactyl?

And I'm like,
THIS is polydactyl:

It's MITTENS, kittens!
Meow.
Extra toes are toe-tally cute.
And I didn't even get cosmetic enhancement.

So, that's the answer!
I mean...



Don't cha wish your kitty was hot like me?

I have met the enemy

So like...
California is supposed to be all, totally, fabulous, right?

WRONG!

You wanna know what it's really like?!
I haven't even met one movie star yet.
Instead, the Monkeys brought me to a place that is crawling with Canines.

Check it out:




O. M. G. !!! I DO NOT WANT to play ball with you.

And that's what I have to look at, every time I check for birds outside.
And I have to say that Dogs are sooooo.... not cats.
They, like, can't even say meow.
And every time I see them my hair stands on end.
It's the fluff of disgust.

Just, don't even talk to me, dogs.




I am NOT EVEN listening to you.

Fashion update

So like,

I just wanna say that Gold Eyeshadow is SO IN right now.
Seriously.

Check me out:





Meow, right?!



Totally.

Highlight and define your natural catlike beauty.





Flaunt your mysterious, feline appeal.

Petition and Complaint

*ring, ring*

Hello, SPCA?
So like ... I want to report a case of cat abuse.
Uh-huh.
In the car.
Yeah. Right now.
No, it's not even European. I think it's a Honda.
How dare they, right?!
Can you get me out??
...
Hang on, I'll check.

...
It looks like the dead middle of nowhere.
Come as fast as you can.



I'll be waiting for you.