Monday, June 30, 2008
Woof of Truth
Editor's note: Due to Talley's bad behavior (including sneaking out without permission and forgery of government documents (see previous posts)), her internet privileges have been revoked temporarily. In her absence, The Dogs will be filling in as guest contributors to her blog.
There's been a lot of talk these days about how cute, stylish, and appealing Cats are.
This is WRONG! Dogs rule, and cats drool (figuratively).
Dogs have waggily tails and soft, expressive eyes. Cats have lashy tails and harsh, mean eyes. Dogs say "I'm glad to see you!" while cats say, "My eating occurs WHEN?" Cats demand, while dogs ask nicely. Dogs guard your house from robbers, while cats tell the robbers "Go ahead and take that stuff - I never liked it anyways."
When you have guests over, your dogs will kindly greet them with polite sniffs and wags of the tail. Cats, on the other hand, will run away and hide from the guests if the guests like cats, and climb all over them shedding fur, if they do not.
Also, dogs are hygienic, and cats are disgusting in their sanitary habits. Dogs, for example, take baths with WATER when they get dirty. Cats, on the other hand, lick the dirt off WITH THEIR TONGUES! Even - shocking as it is - after going to the LITTER BOX. They use their tongues for toilet paper! And they consider themselves clean when they are covered in cat spit.
Have you ever tried to take a cat for a car ride? Rather than looking out the window and enjoying the wind in her face, the cat will hide in a corner and scream obscenities until you take her home. She will then hide under the bed and continue to yell obscenities at you until dinner. Dogs never use obscenities - we don't know any. Dogs always appreciate what is done for them. Cats never do.
If you throw a ball, or a frisbee, or a stick, a dog will run and fetch it for you. A cat will say, "get it yourself." A cat cannot be bothered to do anything for anyone, while a dog is always eager to please. A dog will eat anything you feed it, but a cat will turn her nose up at all but the most expensive cat food.
For a dog, the greatest treasure in life is a kind word from his master. A cat, however, thinks the master is lucky if she doesn't leave the room when he walks in. A dog will gratefully lick the hand that feeds it; a cat will scratch and bite it.
In short, Cats have no shame and no appreciation. Why people seem to like them as much as they do is beyond the understanding of Dogs. Cats don't like anybody, but Dogs are - and always will be - Man's Best Friend.
Woof!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Monterey Blues Part II: Crazy Monkeys.
So like...
I sneaked out the other day and I was driving around California in my Porsche, and, like, it wasn't too bad. Like, in New Orleans, you couldn't even drive anywhere because your car would fall into a pot hole, but in California they put the holes in grassy fields and mark them with flags on poles so you know where they are.
But then, right? This California Monkey comes up and starts talking to me, and he's all, like, "nice car, kitty. Wanna take me for a ride?"
California monkeys are especially scary because they're all, you know, suffering under delusions of hipness. Like, that shirt is not EVEN in style, because, like, it was NEVER in style.
EVER.
So don't EVEN touch my car, California Monkey.
I'm not taking you ANYWHERE.
I sneaked out the other day and I was driving around California in my Porsche, and, like, it wasn't too bad. Like, in New Orleans, you couldn't even drive anywhere because your car would fall into a pot hole, but in California they put the holes in grassy fields and mark them with flags on poles so you know where they are.
But then, right? This California Monkey comes up and starts talking to me, and he's all, like, "nice car, kitty. Wanna take me for a ride?"
California monkeys are especially scary because they're all, you know, suffering under delusions of hipness. Like, that shirt is not EVEN in style, because, like, it was NEVER in style.
EVER.
So don't EVEN touch my car, California Monkey.
I'm not taking you ANYWHERE.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monterey Blues
So like...
sorry I didn't post all day, but I was busy doing my nails.
Anyways.
California is sooooo not New Orleans. I used to go down to the French Quarter or to the Boot or whatever and nobody ever, ever asked for ID. It's just, like, not even anything that anybody does in New Orleans. New Orleans is soooo cool like that.
But then, like, now we're in California, you know? And like, I have to sneak out just so that I can go to a club and, like, the club scene here is soooo lame and, anyways, they even make me show ID!
So, I had to get this fake ID just so that I could go to these lame clubs!
OMG!
Anyways, I have to get going now because the Monkeys are out and I wanna get to the club before they come back.
CYA!
sorry I didn't post all day, but I was busy doing my nails.
Anyways.
California is sooooo not New Orleans. I used to go down to the French Quarter or to the Boot or whatever and nobody ever, ever asked for ID. It's just, like, not even anything that anybody does in New Orleans. New Orleans is soooo cool like that.
But then, like, now we're in California, you know? And like, I have to sneak out just so that I can go to a club and, like, the club scene here is soooo lame and, anyways, they even make me show ID!
So, I had to get this fake ID just so that I could go to these lame clubs!
OMG!
Anyways, I have to get going now because the Monkeys are out and I wanna get to the club before they come back.
CYA!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Media Bias
So like...
did anyone else see this filthy piece of unmitigated propaganda masquerading as unbiased journalism?
http://www.instyle.com/instyle/package/general/photos/0,,20208546_20161676_20371508,00.html
If you didn't, then, just DON'T. It's, like, totally disgusting! All of these so-called celebrities (and not EVEN anybody cool) got their pictures taken with - it's sooooo grody - a bunch of DOGS.
Yeah, seriously. Even though the thing is titled "Cute Pets and their Owners" -- but all they show are Dogs.
Yeah, I know, right?
So what does that mean?
Cats aren't pets?
Cats aren't cute?
Cats aren't in style?
Nooooooo...
It means that there's a media conspiracy to promote dogs over cats, obvy.
Well, I, for one, am sooooo totally not gonna stand for it!
It's an outrage!
did anyone else see this filthy piece of unmitigated propaganda masquerading as unbiased journalism?
http://www.instyle.com/instyle/package/general/photos/0,,20208546_20161676_20371508,00.html
If you didn't, then, just DON'T. It's, like, totally disgusting! All of these so-called celebrities (and not EVEN anybody cool) got their pictures taken with - it's sooooo grody - a bunch of DOGS.
Yeah, seriously. Even though the thing is titled "Cute Pets and their Owners" -- but all they show are Dogs.
Yeah, I know, right?
So what does that mean?
Cats aren't pets?
Cats aren't cute?
Cats aren't in style?
Nooooooo...
It means that there's a media conspiracy to promote dogs over cats, obvy.
Well, I, for one, am sooooo totally not gonna stand for it!
It's an outrage!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Polydactly
So like...
Sometimes people tell me, Talley, you are soooo IN right now. How do you do it?
And I'm all like, well, I'm just hot, and I'm polydactyl, so there.
And then they're like, what's polydactyl?
And I'm like,
THIS is polydactyl:
It's MITTENS, kittens!
Meow.
Extra toes are toe-tally cute.
And I didn't even get cosmetic enhancement.
So, that's the answer!
I mean...
Don't cha wish your kitty was hot like me?
Sometimes people tell me, Talley, you are soooo IN right now. How do you do it?
And I'm all like, well, I'm just hot, and I'm polydactyl, so there.
And then they're like, what's polydactyl?
And I'm like,
THIS is polydactyl:
It's MITTENS, kittens!
Meow.
Extra toes are toe-tally cute.
And I didn't even get cosmetic enhancement.
So, that's the answer!
I mean...
Don't cha wish your kitty was hot like me?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I have met the enemy
So like...
California is supposed to be all, totally, fabulous, right?
WRONG!
You wanna know what it's really like?!
I haven't even met one movie star yet.
Instead, the Monkeys brought me to a place that is crawling with Canines.
Check it out:
O. M. G. !!! I DO NOT WANT to play ball with you.
And that's what I have to look at, every time I check for birds outside.
And I have to say that Dogs are sooooo.... not cats.
They, like, can't even say meow.
And every time I see them my hair stands on end.
It's the fluff of disgust.
Just, don't even talk to me, dogs.
I am NOT EVEN listening to you.
California is supposed to be all, totally, fabulous, right?
WRONG!
You wanna know what it's really like?!
I haven't even met one movie star yet.
Instead, the Monkeys brought me to a place that is crawling with Canines.
Check it out:
O. M. G. !!! I DO NOT WANT to play ball with you.
And that's what I have to look at, every time I check for birds outside.
And I have to say that Dogs are sooooo.... not cats.
They, like, can't even say meow.
And every time I see them my hair stands on end.
It's the fluff of disgust.
Just, don't even talk to me, dogs.
I am NOT EVEN listening to you.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Fashion update
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Petition and Complaint
*ring, ring*
Hello, SPCA?
So like ... I want to report a case of cat abuse.
Uh-huh.
In the car.
Yeah. Right now.
No, it's not even European. I think it's a Honda.
How dare they, right?!
Can you get me out??
...
Hang on, I'll check.
...
It looks like the dead middle of nowhere.
Come as fast as you can.
I'll be waiting for you.
Hello, SPCA?
So like ... I want to report a case of cat abuse.
Uh-huh.
In the car.
Yeah. Right now.
No, it's not even European. I think it's a Honda.
How dare they, right?!
Can you get me out??
...
Hang on, I'll check.
...
It looks like the dead middle of nowhere.
Come as fast as you can.
I'll be waiting for you.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
OMG!!
So like,
you know, the monkeys, right?
Well, anyways.
We were all cool in New Orleans, which is the most fabulous city in the world that I've ever been to,
and all of a sudden, the Monkeys were like, Hey Talley, let's get in the car and drive across the country!
And I was all, There Is No Way.
I mean, it's an 8-year-old Civic.
The seats aren't even leather!
NOOOOOOO!!!
you know, the monkeys, right?
Well, anyways.
We were all cool in New Orleans, which is the most fabulous city in the world that I've ever been to,
and all of a sudden, the Monkeys were like, Hey Talley, let's get in the car and drive across the country!
And I was all, There Is No Way.
I mean, it's an 8-year-old Civic.
The seats aren't even leather!
NOOOOOOO!!!
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